My Sister's Homework

Which I got to do again because my job is only an excuse for me to make money. Here's the speech I had to write for her:

Ten fun things to do during an exam

Three whole hours and nothing to do. Especially if you haven't studied for it. Time is very important and noone should ever waste it, right? Friends, I will tell you what you can do when you're stuck in a boring exam hall.

1. Build a tranformer out of erasers. You might need a lot of erasers. It's ok because you have three whole hours to borrow erasers from everyone in the room. You can even go to the other rooms to borrow erasers for your pet project. If teacher tries to ask you what you're doing, shush her with a brow furrowed in deep concentration.

2. Try to think about what Darwin really meant by his theory of evolution and how you can make it more relevant to the present century. Ponder upon the evolution of your principal and teachers and take notes on your exam papers. Won't teacher be happy when you keep asking for extra sheets.

3. Count every hair on your head. Remember how you've always wanted to do that but never had the time? Well here's the chance for you to finally do it because you have three whole hours to kill!

4. Plan the party of the century. Or even the millennium. Just use your answer book to start calculating expenses. Hey, at least you're practising your math, right?!

5. Practise the mating call of the komodo dragon. Start with high pitched squeaks. If no komodo dragon appears, move onto to low growls. Keep doing this until a dragon approaches you. Note: the komodo dragon is not to be confused with your class teacher who would also approach you once she begins to hear the sounds.

6. Stare at the person on your left until they look back at you but before they can catch you staring, turn to the person on the right. Do this with the person on the right and take turns to annoy them. If they both begin to stare at you, stare at the ceiling and begin to count the cracks in it.

7. Give your stationery names. Make an army out of them. You can be general. Instruct them on how they will all be battling the vicious History monster and how they must not fail their noble task.

8. Say water... water... like a dying man in a desert and collapse in a dead faint. Before you know it, you're being pumped with glucose and out of the exam hall.

9. Do a da Vinci on your desk. Now is the time to discover the artist in you. Get to work creating the masterpiece of the century. You can even try drawing your teacher. She might even be impressed by it, you never know.

10. If nothing else works, point out the window and yell,"Terrorists! I see bombs and guns!" and rush out the door. Grab the first taxi home and settle down with a coke and pizza. You earned it.

Horn Definitely Not OK

Spot the most fingered spot on this guy's wheel

I don't know what you managed to find, but I'm talking about the horn. The average Indian driver, whether a taxi driver, a motorcyclist, a bus driver or an automobile owner, tends to overuse the horn, which his vehicle had been primarily blessed with to prevent him from knocking over other people.

The horn today is supposed to signify any of:

• Get out of my way, asshole, you're going too slow
• Get out of my way, bitch, your skirt's blowing in my face
• Get out of my way, pedestrian, I have four wheels and you have none, har har!
• Get out of my way, my finger's stuck to my horn, look ma!

The incessant blaring of the guy behind you gets really annoying when you happen to be at a signal that has turned red and there is no way you could go forward unless you particularly wanted a fine doled out to you. Or when you're only going as fast as the guy in front of you if only the tooting prick behind you would notice.

One thing I like to do is go especially slow if I know the horn is of the 'Get out of my way, bitch, your skirt's blowing in my face' persuasion. Sure, I nearly got beaten up for my arrogance, but it sure was worth sticking it back to the jerk.