Comfortably Dumb

(or, how to survive in a corporate with your brain intact) 

1. Put on the mask of transparency.

Dissolve. Fade into the background. Disguise yourself as a piece of the furniture. You aren't going to be recognised for any amount of work you do so you might as well pretend you don't exist. That would save you a lot of trouble of actually doing any real work. The boss would be too busy flirting with more attractive nonworkers to notice.

2. Smile a lot, especially at people you don't like.

When spoken to, you can also respond with a smile. This would give the person who dared to speak to you the creeps, thereby preventing any further occurrences of having to make conversation with the same.

3. Bow a lot.

Managers like servility. Bows can be administered at any angle you wish as long as your head is closer to the ground while you are giving it. The boss would be too busy checking out the ass of your female coworker as you're bowing to notice the angle of it, anyway. He might even give you a pat on the head for moving your head out of his line of vision.

4. Begin to hear selectively.

For instance, if the dramatic coworker suddenly utters a loud sigh in an effort to grab your attention, continue doing whatever you were doing with your computer. She will probably give up a few pretend-sighs later and go find someone else to bother. This would save you the trouble of having to listen to the events of her life of the past twenty-four hours, and give you more time to google.

5. As far as possible, do not make eye contact.

This is easy when you're in your seat. All you need to look at is your computer screen even if the person next to you is trying to engage you in conversation. When you are out of your seat and walking along corridors, stare fixedly at some point before you, in the air or on the ground, so as to avoid making eye contact with people who might want to extract some work or other amusement out of you. Failure to do this will result in work. Or torture.

6. Be good at nothing.

Remember in school when you were the only one who knew all the answers to the quiz, the first one to finish the class tests and the only one who ever did your homework? Well, it's time to stop being that person. Appear talentless as far as possible, to avoid being used by management to do work they were supposed to have done. Look at the bright side. It isn't as if you'd be paid extra for pitching in. At least you still get your usual pay.

All in all, the dumb act works well in corporate situations. Nodding your head a lot at meetings, blinking a lot when a manager is giving you specific instructions and repeatedly asking the question 'what?' when something is assigned to you will not only prevent a lot of work being dumped on you, but will also prevent subsequent heartburn, stress and the pain that comes from seeing someone dismiss as paltry something you actually put your best effort into. Learn from me, and ye shall live yet another day in the deep dark horrorsome world of the corporate.