Tuesday, January 19, 2016

Dear Men

Dear Men I'm skimming past on matrimonial sites:

I'm really sorry I waited until I was 33 to finally decide to settle down. I know at 33 you are looking at 'brides aged within 25 preferred' and I wish you lots of luck with that. But I think I'll take my chances being too old for school ;)

I apologise for standing shoulder to shoulder to you in terms of my career and accomplishments. A lot of you seem to just want someone who can cook. Dang, I missed that boat there.

I'm forever in sorrow for listing myself truthfully as a light smoker. Definitely doesn't make it to your 'family values' list now does it :D

And lastly, at least have the grace to not outright look for someone who'll 'take care of me and my family'. It's a matrimonial ad not an ad for a full time housekeeper.


Monday, January 18, 2016

Mid Air Musings, Or Painful Realisations of the self

My suspicions were confirmed a long time ago that I was not as intelligent as I had priorly led myself to believe. What I'd assumed had been a lifetime, or childhood, rather, of misunderstood genius, unused opportunities and lack of interest in what I saw in myself as great scope for the further development and refinement of my intellectual mind in time and turned out to have been a wise and tactful move on the part of my father to spare my feelings and spend his money in better ways than an expensive college education for his mediocre brained daughter.

I wasn't sure exactly when the realisation hit my dad that his daughter was of average intellect at best. It may have been around the high school years of my life when my grades started to slip, so much so that I even failed a couple of class tests in between, leading him to cease all communication with me in a tactic that he believed to be tough 'love'. Or, it may have been in higher secondary when I scored a minimum passing grade in all my tortuous CBSE papers, at which my dad actually rejoiced, exclaiming that he was glad that at least I'd passed. It had probably been his disappointment speaking volumes in that sentence - sealing my fate as yet another tiny brained D'Souza in a family known more for its muscle than its IQ.

I suppose it was really around that time that I gave up on myself. Not for me the attempts to get into a renowned foreign university, or to try my hand at something better than a run of the mill degree course in a standard state university affiliated college. Of course, I did half heartedly make a couple of applications along with other friends of mine, but none were submitted with any real hope of being realised. Today, when I look back at my college years, it is with fond regret of what could have been.

Perhaps I'd have been better off nurturing my love for the arts and the English language by pursuing a degree in them. Of course, at that time such scholarly pursuit was considered as fit only for those who did not even possess the half brain required to complete a B.Com or BSc degree.

In recent conversations as a fully functioning adult, I've found that I cannot match up to the profound knowledge of and recollection abilities of my peers or people whose company I enjoy. After having read my blog, and sympathising with my professed hatred of stupidity, several readers and online friends whom I finally had the privilege of meeting in the flesh seemed taken aback by my bland conversation and a tad disappointed that I was not riveting them with facts and figures and know how of every topic under the sun. Their disappointment was tantamount to that of my cousin from Canada who, having come down to India in 2001 to visit his only cousin in Mangalore, yours truly, fully expecting to meet a vibrant, pretty young thing who could take him for several evenings of reddening the streets as it were, was faced instead with a Shrek-like figure clad in a salwar with a complete lack of knowledge of spirits and the procurement of them except for the ones she believed existed in her church and scriptures.

While I should be glad that the world now seems less focused on my looks, which have admittedly enormously improved thanks to concerted efforts on the part of self to cast off the ugly duckling look, and instead now seems to give higher importance to what my brain can do, it does present to me several challenges. For one thing, the intellectual men I meet seem dissatisfied after any sort of intellectual debate with me. One fellow went so far as to admit that this was the reason why he would not make me his girlfriend but was content to merely have sexual relations with me. Others have expressed some sort of dislike and disappeared from my life before I could even suggest that we start over.

As a result, I began to tell myself that so called intellectuals seemed to largely be a bunch of jerks. But I concede that this could merely be a case of unattainable grapes being deemed sour. The fact remains however, that I have not as yet found a man whose conversation I found intellectually stimulating, who would want to have any sort of relationship with me that expanded into anything meaningful. What jerks, I conclude, as I powder my nose and use the unread Homer's Odyssey as a coffee coaster.


Wednesday, January 06, 2016

Too Lazy to Travel

You know how you get that shocking realisation somewhat late in life that you aren't the person that you thought you were? I've suddenly realised that the hobby I'd dutifully fill out on every slam book, About Me and corporate 'fun' activity form that I thought I enjoyed doing is something I actually detest. I hate to travel.

Yes. Me. I always thought I was the adventurous sort; you know, one of those people who loves to be a traveller and not a tourist. Who dares to go forth into places that take me out of my comfort zone. To slum it out in the remotest regions of the world just to see what it's like on the other side. But quite frankly, I like to do none of those things.

Every time I am offered a Goa trip with friends and family, or a trip to some place nearby, which is just two hours by road, the mere thought seems to satiate me. I will eagerly talk about it to anyone who has a year and toss the words about it my head. But when it comes to executing the plan, I will suddenly come down with a barrage of excuses - my favourite being that I'm broke - and will back out of it completely. Needless to say I have fewer friends now and my family hates me.

That's not to say I haven't travelled without enjoying myself. I vaguely liked being in the mountains at Kasauli and Uttarakhand, I suppose, though by Day 3 I was sorely missing the finer luxuries like malls and a working phone connection. Sri Lanka was nice, even if the only things I actually saw were the Lion Stout beer and the one beach that was close by to where I was staying. Hampi was fun except when I thought I was going to fall off some rocks and die. And didn't. And there were also a few sporadic visits to Bahrain and a couple other Indian cities that I vaguely enjoyed.

But more than that, I'm content to just sit with some people I can talk to and enjoy (okay, I'm going to say it) a beer or two. Or maybe just be in the arms of that one person who loves me. So much for being the freespirited wanderer; I sound like a damp squib!

Sunday, January 03, 2016

I Love You But...

... you're better to fuck than to hold for eternity
... you are so cute when I know a future with you is impossible
... I am beholden to feed off my family's every desire forever, including that of a future mate
... I think morality is restricted to temples and not how you treat women so that's why 'wham, bam, thank you ma'am'!

Tuesday, December 22, 2015


I want to cry but I can't shed a tear. I want to breakdown but hold my head up high. I want to collapse in agony but I still stand proud. I want to run away and disappear but I'm still here.

There's something wrong but I'm not quite sure what...

Friday, November 27, 2015

Fuck it

Farewell ungrateful world may I soon be rid of thee
For every passion I did give thee I received naught but misery
For every sacrifice I suffered you merely looked on with glee
I will have no more may you soon let go of me

Monday, November 16, 2015

Because sometimes a shayari says it best

In badalo ke aansoo
aasmaan ki udaasi
Suraj ka undekha chehra
Khuda bhi gawah he
Is baat ki
Ki tumhare bina jeena
Mushkil hi nahi
Bematlab he

This gloomy weather makes it all the more relevant