Saturday, August 15, 2009
You Swine!
Swine flu is the most perfect disease for the recluse; finally, here is a disease where people are advised not to mingle with each other and to stay at home. What more could anyone want?!
Thursday, August 13, 2009
Dos or Don'ts
I do...
... agree to live with this sloth-filled human being for the rest of my days, cleaning up after him and cooking for him while all he does is go to work, watch tv, mess up the living room and snore through the night.
I do...
... promise to not flirt with the cute guy at work even though he's much nicer to me than my husband to be and buys me flowers or a chocolate everyday while I haven't even received my birthday gift from you-know-who yet.
I do...
... vow to have his babies and change their diapers and put up with their tantrums and lose sleep over them while my loving husband snores on and asks me to 'keep it down'.
I do...
... aim to abide by his views on the friends I keep, the places I go to, the things I buy and adhere to his principles on life and how it ought to be lived.
I do...
... do I?
... agree to live with this sloth-filled human being for the rest of my days, cleaning up after him and cooking for him while all he does is go to work, watch tv, mess up the living room and snore through the night.
I do...
... promise to not flirt with the cute guy at work even though he's much nicer to me than my husband to be and buys me flowers or a chocolate everyday while I haven't even received my birthday gift from you-know-who yet.
I do...
... vow to have his babies and change their diapers and put up with their tantrums and lose sleep over them while my loving husband snores on and asks me to 'keep it down'.
I do...
... aim to abide by his views on the friends I keep, the places I go to, the things I buy and adhere to his principles on life and how it ought to be lived.
I do...
... do I?
Friday, August 07, 2009
Misunderstood?
In the virtual world, it is very easy for people who don't know you in person to misjudge you. A statement devoid of ten exclamation marks and five smileys can be misinterpreted to be coming from a cold, dark soul with misanthropic tendencies. This can therefore only be repaired by inserting said exclamation marks and smileys, in order to make your intentions more positive.
For e.g.:
Without exclamation/smileys:
India is a nice place but not as nice as certain parts of Europe.
With exclamation/smileys:
India is a nice place!!!!!! :) :D but not as nice :) as certain parts of Europe!!!!!!!! ;)
There. You see what I mean? Now you try it.
For e.g.:
Without exclamation/smileys:
India is a nice place but not as nice as certain parts of Europe.
With exclamation/smileys:
India is a nice place!!!!!! :) :D but not as nice :) as certain parts of Europe!!!!!!!! ;)
There. You see what I mean? Now you try it.
FYI
Be warned.
A solar eclipse can make a pregnant woman miscarry. Sick leaves advised.
Drinking cold water after an oily meal will give you cancer. Drink Pepsi instead; all you have to worry about is the pesticides.
Today five rich Kenyan uncles you never had will give you six million dollars. Aren't you a lucky person.
Watching a movie in a seedy theatre can give you Aids. Wear really thick clothing.
Tomorrow there's going to be an earthquake and a tsunami. Sunbathing at the beach not advised.
You have been warned.
A solar eclipse can make a pregnant woman miscarry. Sick leaves advised.
Drinking cold water after an oily meal will give you cancer. Drink Pepsi instead; all you have to worry about is the pesticides.
Today five rich Kenyan uncles you never had will give you six million dollars. Aren't you a lucky person.
Watching a movie in a seedy theatre can give you Aids. Wear really thick clothing.
Tomorrow there's going to be an earthquake and a tsunami. Sunbathing at the beach not advised.
You have been warned.
Requiem for Change
The Gujjars are staging yet another protest, Manmohan Singh has shocked and silenced Indians all over once more, the Delhi Metro Rail project is turning into a joke with more cracks on the pier and Chennai's still hot despite the rains.
Some things never change.
Most people don't change either.
Just when you begin to think it's time to hang up your boots and start the quiet life, something comes along that challenges you and eggs you on to seek anew the thrills life has to offer.
Just when you think you've learned from your mistakes and do not wish to succumb to the destructive decisions of your past, you indulge in the same whims all over again and think why not; too late will you realise why you had vowed never to let yourself go out of control again.
Some people never change. It's circumstances that change that make them behave a different way: new commitments, new goals, new reasons to look forward to the next day. Yet the old desires lurk beneath the seemingly calm exterior, waiting to break out once more.
Some things never change.
Most people don't change either.
Just when you begin to think it's time to hang up your boots and start the quiet life, something comes along that challenges you and eggs you on to seek anew the thrills life has to offer.
Just when you think you've learned from your mistakes and do not wish to succumb to the destructive decisions of your past, you indulge in the same whims all over again and think why not; too late will you realise why you had vowed never to let yourself go out of control again.
Some people never change. It's circumstances that change that make them behave a different way: new commitments, new goals, new reasons to look forward to the next day. Yet the old desires lurk beneath the seemingly calm exterior, waiting to break out once more.
Why Buy a Music CD When You Can Travel by Cab
No cab journey is complete without the driver of the cab assaulting your auditory senses with the same boring repetitive local numbers.
Want to listen to some rock? Or in the mood for some hip hop or jazz? Too bad! You will be forced to enjoy the songs of the local dialect that plummetted out of vogue, from the last fifty years.
But not to worry, they can be very addictive. The best part is you don't have to buy the music album; travelling by cab is so much easier. And cheaper!
Want to listen to some rock? Or in the mood for some hip hop or jazz? Too bad! You will be forced to enjoy the songs of the local dialect that plummetted out of vogue, from the last fifty years.
But not to worry, they can be very addictive. The best part is you don't have to buy the music album; travelling by cab is so much easier. And cheaper!
Thursday, July 16, 2009
Why We Object to Bangaloreans
I love winter. Unfortunately, in Chennai, winter does not exist.
The seasons in Chennai, as the old joke goes, are hot, hotter and hottest. There is no cold season. There is no time of year wherein we are shivering in our boots and puffing out clouds of steam from between our frozen lips. Heck, we don't even have a clearly defined monsoon. The rains here are a mere sprinkle. If the sprinkle goes on for a whole day, we get floods. And then you have to get a boat out just to get to the end of the street.
The only time I wear a jacket in Chennai is when I am riding my two wheeler, to protect me from the sun. A five minute walk down the road during the daytime in Chennai results in a deep tan and profuse sweating. As we mop our brow, we curse our choice of birthplace and/or settlement.
And when we reach our offices, we have to clean up and douse ourselves with deodorant afresh as we move into our - thankfully - airconditioned offices.
Which is why we who live in Chennai object fiercely to Bangaloreans describing to us the wonderful weather out there. Have a heart, people, and think of those who are less fortunate than yourselves...
The seasons in Chennai, as the old joke goes, are hot, hotter and hottest. There is no cold season. There is no time of year wherein we are shivering in our boots and puffing out clouds of steam from between our frozen lips. Heck, we don't even have a clearly defined monsoon. The rains here are a mere sprinkle. If the sprinkle goes on for a whole day, we get floods. And then you have to get a boat out just to get to the end of the street.
The only time I wear a jacket in Chennai is when I am riding my two wheeler, to protect me from the sun. A five minute walk down the road during the daytime in Chennai results in a deep tan and profuse sweating. As we mop our brow, we curse our choice of birthplace and/or settlement.
And when we reach our offices, we have to clean up and douse ourselves with deodorant afresh as we move into our - thankfully - airconditioned offices.
Which is why we who live in Chennai object fiercely to Bangaloreans describing to us the wonderful weather out there. Have a heart, people, and think of those who are less fortunate than yourselves...
Mobile Appendages
Sometimes mobile phones feel like extra appendages. I'm not talking about the women who are on calls for seemingly the whole day long at ought to have them sewn onto their ears. Bluetooth headsets are good enough for them.
It's not even about the constant attention they demand: needs fuel - keep it charging; feels out of sorts - run to a mobile technician and spend three woeful days without it till you wonder how you'd ever survived without one in the first place; buzzing every other few minutes - you feel at ease for you know that all is well with the world.
No, it's just about how personal they are. When someone fingers my mobile phone, just to check out the model, I can't help but be taken aback with a short catch of the breath. Then I see them unlock it and the uneasiness grows. They're violating my precious. Some people don't think much of going through your pictures either without so much as an if you please. That's ok till they get to the embarrassing pictures I'd clicked of myself just to check out how my hair looked (but of course).
The worst are the text message readers. I don't think they exist anymore, now that cellphone users have evolved. But in the early days of cellphone communication, they wouldn't think much of rifling through your messages for any 'interesting forwards' even if the only interesting messages in there were the extra-private ones sent by your boyfriend.
Once it is back safely into my hands again, I let out a little sigh of relief and run my fingers over it vowing to never let it out of my sight again. My precious... ahem.
It's not even about the constant attention they demand: needs fuel - keep it charging; feels out of sorts - run to a mobile technician and spend three woeful days without it till you wonder how you'd ever survived without one in the first place; buzzing every other few minutes - you feel at ease for you know that all is well with the world.
No, it's just about how personal they are. When someone fingers my mobile phone, just to check out the model, I can't help but be taken aback with a short catch of the breath. Then I see them unlock it and the uneasiness grows. They're violating my precious. Some people don't think much of going through your pictures either without so much as an if you please. That's ok till they get to the embarrassing pictures I'd clicked of myself just to check out how my hair looked (but of course).
The worst are the text message readers. I don't think they exist anymore, now that cellphone users have evolved. But in the early days of cellphone communication, they wouldn't think much of rifling through your messages for any 'interesting forwards' even if the only interesting messages in there were the extra-private ones sent by your boyfriend.
Once it is back safely into my hands again, I let out a little sigh of relief and run my fingers over it vowing to never let it out of my sight again. My precious... ahem.
Sunday, June 28, 2009
My Sister's Homework
Which I got to do again because my job is only an excuse for me to make money. Here's the speech I had to write for her:
Ten fun things to do during an exam
Three whole hours and nothing to do. Especially if you haven't studied for it. Time is very important and noone should ever waste it, right? Friends, I will tell you what you can do when you're stuck in a boring exam hall.
1. Build a tranformer out of erasers. You might need a lot of erasers. It's ok because you have three whole hours to borrow erasers from everyone in the room. You can even go to the other rooms to borrow erasers for your pet project. If teacher tries to ask you what you're doing, shush her with a brow furrowed in deep concentration.
2. Try to think about what Darwin really meant by his theory of evolution and how you can make it more relevant to the present century. Ponder upon the evolution of your principal and teachers and take notes on your exam papers. Won't teacher be happy when you keep asking for extra sheets.
3. Count every hair on your head. Remember how you've always wanted to do that but never had the time? Well here's the chance for you to finally do it because you have three whole hours to kill!
4. Plan the party of the century. Or even the millennium. Just use your answer book to start calculating expenses. Hey, at least you're practising your math, right?!
5. Practise the mating call of the komodo dragon. Start with high pitched squeaks. If no komodo dragon appears, move onto to low growls. Keep doing this until a dragon approaches you. Note: the komodo dragon is not to be confused with your class teacher who would also approach you once she begins to hear the sounds.
6. Stare at the person on your left until they look back at you but before they can catch you staring, turn to the person on the right. Do this with the person on the right and take turns to annoy them. If they both begin to stare at you, stare at the ceiling and begin to count the cracks in it.
7. Give your stationery names. Make an army out of them. You can be general. Instruct them on how they will all be battling the vicious History monster and how they must not fail their noble task.
8. Say water... water... like a dying man in a desert and collapse in a dead faint. Before you know it, you're being pumped with glucose and out of the exam hall.
9. Do a da Vinci on your desk. Now is the time to discover the artist in you. Get to work creating the masterpiece of the century. You can even try drawing your teacher. She might even be impressed by it, you never know.
10. If nothing else works, point out the window and yell,"Terrorists! I see bombs and guns!" and rush out the door. Grab the first taxi home and settle down with a coke and pizza. You earned it.
Ten fun things to do during an exam
Three whole hours and nothing to do. Especially if you haven't studied for it. Time is very important and noone should ever waste it, right? Friends, I will tell you what you can do when you're stuck in a boring exam hall.
1. Build a tranformer out of erasers. You might need a lot of erasers. It's ok because you have three whole hours to borrow erasers from everyone in the room. You can even go to the other rooms to borrow erasers for your pet project. If teacher tries to ask you what you're doing, shush her with a brow furrowed in deep concentration.
2. Try to think about what Darwin really meant by his theory of evolution and how you can make it more relevant to the present century. Ponder upon the evolution of your principal and teachers and take notes on your exam papers. Won't teacher be happy when you keep asking for extra sheets.
3. Count every hair on your head. Remember how you've always wanted to do that but never had the time? Well here's the chance for you to finally do it because you have three whole hours to kill!
4. Plan the party of the century. Or even the millennium. Just use your answer book to start calculating expenses. Hey, at least you're practising your math, right?!
5. Practise the mating call of the komodo dragon. Start with high pitched squeaks. If no komodo dragon appears, move onto to low growls. Keep doing this until a dragon approaches you. Note: the komodo dragon is not to be confused with your class teacher who would also approach you once she begins to hear the sounds.
6. Stare at the person on your left until they look back at you but before they can catch you staring, turn to the person on the right. Do this with the person on the right and take turns to annoy them. If they both begin to stare at you, stare at the ceiling and begin to count the cracks in it.
7. Give your stationery names. Make an army out of them. You can be general. Instruct them on how they will all be battling the vicious History monster and how they must not fail their noble task.
8. Say water... water... like a dying man in a desert and collapse in a dead faint. Before you know it, you're being pumped with glucose and out of the exam hall.
9. Do a da Vinci on your desk. Now is the time to discover the artist in you. Get to work creating the masterpiece of the century. You can even try drawing your teacher. She might even be impressed by it, you never know.
10. If nothing else works, point out the window and yell,"Terrorists! I see bombs and guns!" and rush out the door. Grab the first taxi home and settle down with a coke and pizza. You earned it.
Sunday, June 21, 2009
Horn Definitely Not OK
Spot the most fingered spot on this guy's wheelI don't know what you managed to find, but I'm talking about the horn. The average Indian driver, whether a taxi driver, a motorcyclist, a bus driver or an automobile owner, tends to overuse the horn, which his vehicle had been primarily blessed with to prevent him from knocking over other people.
The horn today is supposed to signify any of:
- Get out of my way, asshole, you're going too slow
- Get out of my way, bitch, your skirt's blowing in my face
- Get out of my way, pedestrian, I have four wheels and you have none, har har!
- Get out of my way, my finger's stuck to my horn, look ma!
One thing I like to do is go especially slow if I know the horn is of the 'Get out of my way, bitch, your skirt's blowing in my face' persuasion. Sure, I nearly got beaten up for my arrogance, but it sure was worth sticking it back to the jerk.
Saturday, May 30, 2009
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