Thursday, January 08, 2015

We don't date, we only sext

No, I don't think like that
I'm not like other guys
I just want to see what
It's like between your thighs

Tuesday, December 30, 2014

Happy New Year 2015

Looking back, I probably did grow up in the past year.

In the early half of 2014, I learned to conceal the wounds and the hurt and pretend to all the world that things were OK. After all, wasn't this the life I had chosen for myself? Did I not try to leave and then came back to the same madness and misery day after day? I lied to the whole world, including myself, that everything was fine. That it was perfectly normal to be unhappy every day of your life, to burst into tears every other day at the futility of it all, to never have a normal conversation with your significant other without it turning into a sling fest.

Luckily, somewhere around the middle of 2014, I decided to say no, walked out on my five year trainwreck of a relationship and tried to stand up, my pride battered and bruised, trying to make it all over again. At several times, I was tempted to be of the same view as my family that my grand experiment in life had failed. That pragmatism wins over idealism. But I held on to the belief that I couldn't give up that easy, even if it's the hardest thing in the world to hold onto your dreams and insist that they come true.

The latter half of 2014 saw me reaching out anew to people who cared for me. Old friends, new friends, renewed relationships with people I'd ignored along the way; I learned that people do come through for you, no matter what. Love is a powerful force and it doesn't have to be the sexual kind. I fell in love with myself again - people tolerating my ever changing Whatsapp display picture can attest to that. Getting back into the habit of a daily gym routine, forcing myself onto a healthy diet, putting myself back out on the social scene, travelling out of town at least once a month. All this has helped me regain my love for life. I am no longer 'joyless'.

Sure, I met jerks along the way this year. Sure, I had minor setbacks. But overall, I think this was a year to remember. And I'm thankful to everyone who made me feel good this year, even if briefly.

My version: Cover Songs That Were Better Than the Original

Today is the day after the long weekend. So little work was done; instead, music was listened to. Therefore, I bring to you the fruit of my labours - my very own compilation of cover songs that I much preferred to their originals.

1. Chris Cornell: Billy Jean (Original by Michael Jackson)

Move over, MJ. This guy's a smoother criminal.

2. Atif Aslam: Gulaabi Ankhein (Original by RD Burman, sung by Mohd Rafi)
No, this doesn't mean I'll also be providing links to Anu Malik songs here. But this heart wrenching remake that only Aslam's voice could provide, is worth a listen to on a dark night.

3. White Stripes: Jolene (Original by Dolly Parton)
A lot of people seem to do Dolly Parton covers a lot better than she ever did.

4. Johnny Cash: Hurt (Original by Nine Inch Nails)
I love Trent Reznor as much as the next alternative music fan, but Cash's version has a way of making your skin crawl with humiliation that the original seemed to have missed somehow.

5. Queens of the Stone Age: White Wedding (Original by Billy Idol)
As if Billy Idol's version weren't creepy enough, QOTSA manages to put the fear of god in the sisters of brothers everywhere.

6. Rammstein: Stripped (Original by Depeche Mode)
Because if you say Rammstein sucked, they'd probably find you and kill you. Heil.

7. Milky Chance: 'Reggae' Ball (Original by Miley Cyrus)
This German reggae / folk / alternative / godknowswhatelse band outshines naked Miley Cyrus anyday.

Nirvana didn't make this list, simply because the originals were pretty good as well (David Bowie's Man Who Sold the World & Meat Puppet's Lake of Fire). This blog post needs a follow up with originals that were better than their too-famous covers. Soon.

Friday, December 26, 2014

Why a first date is like a job interview

A first date, like a job interview, is an application for a potentially lucrative life long investment for the betterment of your current status and fulfillment of short term necessities. It is imperative, therefore, that one comes out flying colours in one.

1. You are given a lowdown of the other person's expectations. In a prospective job interview, the hiring manager will communicate to you what they are looking for in the ideal candidate: Honest, hardworking, able to pull off miracles in Microsoft Excel. Similarly, your first date will brief you that you need to be competent enough to pick out his wardrobe, get along with his mom and be subject to a stress test or two by his closest friends.

2. You are nervous and have to stay on your toes. As with any job interview, on your first date, you will be judged for everything: your dress sense, the age of your shoes, the last time you washed your jeans, the way you interact with waiters and how many naans you eat. At least on your first date you get to order a drink to calm yourself down.

3. You don't know if you got the job. You may or may not have made it. You answered all the questions right, you smiled at appropriate times, you did not even once smile at the cute guy behind the hiring manager's shoulder. But till you get called in for the second round you don't know if you've clinched it. The minute your date asks you out for dinner sometime, you know you've made it through the second round.

4. You've got to dress appropriately. Nothing too overstated or understated. Nothing too skanky or too sober. Just enough cleavage to get the right amount of attention without being treated as another piece of meat. And at the end of it, you feel like you were just put on show but are relieved to have elicited a congratulatory "You look great!" from your date.

5. The last thing left is the HR round. You may have penetrated your date's poor judgement enough for him to potentially consider you worthy of being in the same breathing space as him for days together. But what happens when salaries are negotiated? When choice of location is discussed? When terms of living are brought to the fore? Only the HR round will tell.

Tuesday, December 16, 2014

Killing children

I'm glad to see the rage everyone is expressing over the killing of those schoolchildren over in Pakistan. I had a sustained conversation with my cabbie at chennai about it who brought up the topic as he fretted and fumed about what kind of 'humans' killed little children. I read a lot of posts on my timeline talking about it and wishing Pakistan well (or death to all Muslims, as the case may be). Thank you for your righteous indignation.

Not to be a dampener of your enthusiasm for current affairs but it would have been nice to have seen similar expressions of anger when innocent children were being killed by America's ally, Israel, in Gaza. Yes, there were a lot of them.

There was also the easily dismissible killing of children in Pakistan by America via drone strikes. Which continues till today, with little to no sympathy from you.

I guess it's more fashionable to raise a voice whenever the Taliban, a militant outfit known for its religious extremism and acts of violence, is up to no good, rather than to declaim similar acts from governments that proclaim themselves to be civilised and fair.

(I do not condone the violence that occurred at Pakistan; I abhor the Taliban, as I do any group that goes about killing people on a whim and fancy, like the friendly folks at the White House/Pentagon)

Friday, December 12, 2014

Patriotism in the time of Uber

Today, I was trying hard to remember the last time I felt proud to be an Indian.

It was certainly not when Sadhvi Niranjan Jyothi, a Union Minister who belongs to the party that is currently ruling our country, decided that anyone who wasn't Hindu, must be a bastard. Literally.

It was definitely not when a minister or more from the same party were caught ogling at a picture of a female member of the Opposition party's boobs while she was fully clad in said picture. And while they were sitting in parliament; you know, that place where they make all the important decisions that affect our daily lives? At least it wasn't actual porn this time.

Then I thought it may have been when the BJP reluctantly acceded to attempting to commemorate Gandhi and Nehru - I mean, all said and done they were our founding fathers. But when one of the lawmakers of this delightful party proclaimed that Gandhi's assassin was a national hero, that bubble pretty much burst.

Then I decided to feel proud at goings on within the country. I mean, politics isn't everything, surely. That's when I found that a party allied to the party that is allied to our ruling party was going about converting non Hindus to Hindus in what they wanted to call a 'homecoming' / 'return to their roots'. Because of course all of us were Hindus for like always till those awful invaders turned us all into haramzadas.

But surely that's just the way politics and religion always are. One can never feel patriotic about such things anyway. Let's turn our minds towards the progress our country is making in terms of inclusion, I thought to myself. That's when I found that women in our country are still not safe, even if they have to take a cab home in our capital city. Of course, the solution was to ban all app based cab services. The harder it is to find a decent cab, the safer it is for women. I mean they can just take a bus home. Oh, no they can't. OK fine, they will be safe in an autorickshaw. Oh, no they won't. Women are such a problem. Just make them sit at home as soon as it gets dark, I tell you. Oh, they get raped in broad daylight too? Even if they're not full grown women? Kill them at birth, I say.

So today, I finally decided to be proud of the fact that our government finally scrapped an archaic law that was used to file criminal cases against survivors of suicide attempts. At least now you can go kill yourself after seeing the sorry state of affairs your country is in and not be sent to jail if that noose snaps midway.

Monday, December 01, 2014

Turning 32

Um, hello, is there anybody out there?
Oh, ok, yeah I'd like to request a refund of my life please?

Oh, you don't do refunds? Okay, what is your return policy then?
Well, the condition's pretty okay I guess, closing in on 32 years that I haven't made much use of.

Reason for return? Well, I don't really see the point you know?
I mean, it's nice and all, you get to have fun and see interesting things but besides that I believe there's someone else who could make better use of it.

Yes, I understand that that reason's not good enough but it would be nice if you could -
Hello? Hello?!

Drat. Here begins another year...

Friday, November 28, 2014

How to make small talk

Let's not talk about farmers killing themselves
Out of the hopelessness of a life on loan and an apathetic government and the rain that won't come.

Nor should we talk about women whose rape and murder
Is dismissed as suicide and any attempt at justice being a way to malign the government.

Let's talk instead about kissing in the streets
To protest people in love being thrown out of coffee shops for cuddling each other.

Or let's talk about that latest Farah Khan movie
Where SRK doesn't look at all his age and the songs are just so amazing no.