Just When You Gave Up Your Car...

Food's a luxury we can't afford either, right? Right.

Ayurvedic Super Drug

The only reason it doesn't cure cancer or AIDS is because there wasn't enough space on the label.

Stares

No amount of righteous bullshit will make me climb those when there's a working lift behind me.

So Much More

It takes a lot more strength to deny yourself the comfort of stability and throw yourself at the mercy of the biting winds of change. It takes all of Samson's strength to get you to wake the next day to face a life of emptiness; everything you possess having been taken away from you.

I often muse that this is the fate of idealists and dreamers. To have their high hopes dashed on the rocks of reality. I admire the realists, the practical people, the people who are content to live life as it is dictated to them. To be an idealist, to dream, means to have to face the horror - oh, the horror - of having those dreams shatter; of taking off those rose tinted glasses to find that they had shielded you from a scene full of gore.

But once you find the ground beneath your feet, it's best to start running, and not ever look back.

No More Tears

Don't you ever ask me again why I don't believe in a god.
Don't you ever ask me again why I hold my head high
And ask for help from no one
And don't you ever try helping me again.
I'm ready to bend my head at the gallows
Just sit back and watch me
die.

Some presents you might want to avoid this holiday season

It might be a bit too late to post this seeing as the holidays are over, but after having got an annoyingly useless bunch of gifts from my secret Santa, I realised it was about time someone made a guide for this sort of thing. Consider it an early warning, then.

1. Say no to the plain Jane photo frame
Now tell me this - in this digital age who really uses photo frames anymore? You can't expect someone to go all the way to the photo shop just to pay for a print to put into your cheap little half hearted gift, now can you? A digital album is more up our alley if photos are what you want us to display.

2. Teddy terrors
This one's pretty simple, really. Don't ever buy an adult a stuffed animal! I mean, what am I, 2?! Unless it's a giant sized angry bird plush doll, don't even bother.

3. What's to show
Nothing says 'I never think about you' like a show piece does. What is the purpose of that fake porcelain bird now really? I'd rather put a signed copy of any Kurt Vonnegut up for display on my shelf, any day.

4. If it's not branded, don't bother
Look, I really appreciate you buying me a watch. It says a lot. It says that I'm never on time for anything, that I can't afford one of my own and that I have crappy taste. But at least buy me a Swatch, not some obscure brand that you know I know was made somewhere near China.

5. When all else fails, buy a gift card
Really? It wasn't enough my guessing at how little you shelled out on me this year that you actually had to put it in print for me? Literally? Unless you're willing to hand me a voucher for Rs 5000 or more, I'd suggest you put your money where my mouth is and take me out for a nice lunch or dinner instead. At least I'd complain less with my mouth full of food.

Of course, the ideal gifts are always an android smartphone ( worth between Rs 15k - 35k), if not an iPhone; an iPad or it's Samsung equivalent; a brand new car; a diamond pendant or a Labrador puppy. Can't put a price on love, now can you.

What They Never Tell You About Love

Disclaimer: I have long since abandoned any attempts at making this blog a cheery place. So if frosty cold climates is your thing, feel free to continue visiting, or perhaps you can drop by here on your way to die. In any case, there's no optimism to be found, not here. Now, on to today's topic of interest.

Relationships, I have found, tend to pass through the following three phases:
1. The 'I Love You!!!!!!!' period: This is a happy time. You've just met that significant other and absolutely everything about him or her is great. Even his or her faults are the best faults you've even come across in another human being. Even if they have a huge hairy mole on the side of their face. That's about the cutest hairy mole in the whole entire universe! Why, you can spend days and weeks simply gazing on that adorable mole. You don't know how you made it through your entire life without it. Also, your wonderful mate can do no wrong. Their short temper is wonderful, fights are celebrated and their lies are lovely little white lover's fibs. Oh, and the sex is great - you just can't get enough of each other's bodies. This horrible period of temporary blindness lasts for approximately a year.

2. The 'I... Like You..!' period: This is a strange time. Suddenly one morning you wake up and find that your lover has a disgusting hairy mole on the side of their face. You are surprised at yourself. You tell yourself that you love them despite that hairy mole. That they have done so much for you and there's still a lot of good besides that one physical characteristic. Sex is still great, as long as you can position your face away from the hairy mole. Fights aren't so great, anymore, though. You tend to feel the resentment a day or two after the fight and then somehow push away those negative emotions and try to focus on the good. As difficult as that may be. This period of growing awareness usually begins in the second year of togetherness.

3. The 'I Hate Everything About You (*&*^%!)' period: If you are in this phase, you are probably depressed, frustrated and a drunk. The damned hairy mole pales in comparison with the other terrible traits your 'lover' exhibits. Can't she ever stop her damned complaining? Can't he ever once at least help out around the place? You find yourself angry all the time, in his or her presence. And sex is something you can avoid, oh yeah. Who needs sex, anyway? That's for the animals, right? What you need is someone you can talk to and that's definitely not something you've found at home, now is it? Come to think of it, you curse the day (three years ago) when you met your 'lover' and would be happy to see them dead. Preferably at your own hands. This period begins in the third year and generally lasts... forever. At least, until the end of the relationship or one of your own lives.

So, you see, it doesn't matter if you're married or not. It's relationships that are the problem. Maybe it's just me, being a terrible commitmentphobe. Or maybe it's to do with being a woman and being idealistic and dreamy and embarking on something thinking you'd reach somewhere you haven't and perhaps never will.

Being Joyless

... when did you become so joyless?

- American Beauty 

I'm starting to wonder that myself. I remember when I wasn't afraid to stand up to people and sound out my views. I remember a time when I would look forward to the next day; to the sunshine and the music and the million other little joys that made my day. I remember looking out for the underappreciated and doing my bit to make them feel good. But more and more I find myself cynical and depressed. I can't stand the mornings, I just want to crawl back into bed. I don't like dressing up or going out. These days I don't even bother to turn on the music.

You know, I've even forgotten why I struggled so hard to be 'free'. Free to live your life the way you want to? But where's the joy in that? Freedom is overrated. Maybe I should move to China.

Divided We Stand

(This article has been a long time coming. I plan to edit and work on it some more with time because there are several more add ons to this list which I may not have remembered at the time of writing this)

As pathetic as it is true, India is a country that is divided by its diversity. Sure, there's all the patriotic talk about us being secular, being 'one' despite the fact that each state has its own language and being unified in the face of any problem. Bull, bull and bull.

India has never been united. There are many many divisions within India and I can safely say, this situation is unique to India alone. No other nation in the world has been this diverse and, hence, divided:

1. North hates South
You've probably experienced this in your own country; the whole Northern states hating the South and vice versa. But in India, it's different. For one thing, the Northern states mostly speak Hindi (the national language, by the way). In the South, Hindi is mostly abhorred (still the national language, yes). So if you're caught speaking Hindi in the South, be prepared to be subject to discrimination and cold shoulders. Also, since the belief is that the majority of North India comprises fair skinned people, and pretty people, while the South comprises dark skinned, hairy, not-so-pretty people, people from the North consider themselves superior to the South. You can always see a man from the South portrayed in Bollywood movies as the dark skinned, lungi-wearing guy with sandalwood smeared across forehead who says 'Ayyo' a lot.

2. State of Affairs
India is more or less like thirty countries sewn together to form one big country, just to keep the politicians busy and wealthy. The only thing that each state has in common is that each has a 'capital' city, which houses local parliament and is therefore the most developed among all the other cities in that state. Every state is like a mini country and hates all the other states, even though they depend on each other for commerce and such like. For instance, people from Uttar Pradesh and Bihar are found in almost every other state in plenty, in search of employment outside their own states because of the pitiful condition of UP and Bihar. And in those states that they work in, they have to face abuse for being a bloody UP Bihari (often used interchangeably) who is there to suck up the jobs of the locals. In fact, if you happen to be 'from' or born in any other state apart from the one you are employed/living in, you will always be treated like an outsider, and therefore, met with cold suspicion. And if you're from the North Eastern states, you aren't Indian, you're just chinky looking.

3. Tongues-a-lot
India has 27 states ((and seven namesake union territories) this number is set to increase if Mayawati has her way). Each state more or less has at least one language unique to the state (there are even designated state languages) and several dialects. Can you fathom something like that? Imagine all the countries comprising Europe were states of a single country. Even then, the number of spoken languages wouldn't outnumber the languages and dialects spoken in India. And don't get me wrong. The word 'dialect' here is used lightly but they qualify to be languages of their own to the speakers and the spoken to. For instance, the South of India only comprises four out of all those 27 states (we're ignoring the Andamans, etc for now, just like the rest of India does). And there's more than six languages/dialects spoken here. Every speaker of said language hates the speaker of another language. I'm South Indian. I am from Karnataka and speak Konkani at home. When I evinced an interest in living in Tamil Nadu, I was met with no end of opposition from my parents who called it a dirty place (oh, like all of India?). And when, on a visit home, I spoke to them in Tamil, to show off my grasp of it, as it were, they were shocked and horrified and didn't speak to me for two whole days.

Let's take Karnataka as an example, where you have the state language of Kannada. Kannada is spoken differently by people from different parts of Kannada. That earns some discrimination of its own. So if you're from Coorg, the minute you speak Kannada in Bangalore, you're sure to be caught out and (in one known instance) beaten up. Oh yeah, it's still the same language. What's worse is, in Karnataka, the language you speak depends on the religion or caste you belong to. Mangalorean Catholics speak Konkani (different from the Goan version because of its Kannada influence), the Muslims (called Bora Muslims) have their own language, the Hindus speak either Kannada or Konkani (different from the Catholic and Goan; their caste is called Konkanna because they speak Konkani). And in Mangalore, the spoken language is Tulu. Kannada just happens to be the state language here. Which brings us to religion.

4. Insecular
Do you know how many religions are forced to coexist within India? Again, I believe this situation is unique to India. I mean, in America, sure you have all of those varying sects of Christianity. In India we have all those and then some. There's Hinduism, Islam, Jainism, Buddhism, Christianity, Sikhism, Zoroastrianism, to start with. We also have our share of Jews, so don't think we're missing out on that. And people of all these religions hate people from other religions. Oh yes, and all those religions speak of love and brotherhood and all that good stuff. Mostly this is thanks to the politicians who leverage these differences to their own selfish ends. But it isn't politics alone. There lies a deep mistrust and antagonism between people of different religions. Back in Mangalore, when I was living with my aunt, she had a house to let. Several people came inquiring about it and she was pleasant enough with them all. When a Muslim came around asking about the house, she immediately said that it had already been let out (when it hadn't). I asked her why the discrimination. She replied that Muslims were 'such dirty people' and would keep the house dirty, too. I was born Catholic.

Hindus and Muslims have a rivalry of old and the demolition of the Babri Masjid did nothing to help matters. Sikhs are generally looked on as a hairy, unclean lot by the rest of India. Buddhists are tolerated because of the foreign interest they attract. Christians are put in their place and if any Hindu happens to be baptised into Christianity, the priest or nun responsible is immediately arrested for 'illegal conversion'. It's enough to make a body give up religion entirely. Hence the atheism. Within Hinduism, there are so many delightful castes and subcastes. Should I reserve that for a separate numbered point? Ok, I will.

5. Caste Off
The caste system was abolished way back in 1947, say the history books. But anybody in India will tell you that's not true. When you sign up for anything - whether it's a gas connection or college application - the form will contain a separate section for 'Caste'. You see, within Hinduism are several castes. There're the Brahmins, who are as Upper as Upper Caste will allow. On the lower end of the spectrum is the scheduled caste or scheduled tribe. These chaps are considered untouchables/inferior. While they were pretty badly treated in the 'good' old days, the discrimination against the lower castes led to 'reservation' wherein the government allotted a certain number of college seats and government jobs for the lower castes, to provide for them. People of higher castes are not eligible. Thus, you have people of middle or upper castes, actually paying good money to have a lower caste certificate made out to them so that they can reserve jobs/college seats. Didn't see that coming, did you?! In fact, casteism has extended outside Hinduism, too. I lost my college seat to a lower caste Catholic at a college run by Jesuits, even though I had passed the entrance exam and had impressed the head of the department.

In case you didn't know, Brahmins are pure vegetarians (except in Calcutta where they eat fish claiming that fish is the vegetable of the sea). The rest of Hindus may or may not eat meat. Which brings me to food discrimination.

6. You Are What You Eat
A good way to spot possible reasons for discrimination in India is by looking at rental ads. In India (in Tamil Nadu, at least), it's commonplace (accepted and encouraged, even) to have ads where the landlord wants 'Vegetarians only'. Some are even so specific as to say 'Brahmins only'. There are a lot of vegetarian Hindus out there. It's not that they don't eat animals because they hate hurting them; they were merely born that way. So, the vegetarian Hindus hate the meat eating populace. In many parts of India, Hindu dominated areas have done away with cow slaughterhouses altogether. No, vegetarians reading this needn't rejoice yet. Note I said 'cow' slaughterhouses. They have no objection to the consumption of buffalo meat, though. In fact, I know a lot of Hindus who eat buffalo. Hey, it's the cow that's considered sacred, right ma? Non meat eating Hindus dislike meat eating Hindus. Muslims, as you know, don't eat pork. So they hate anyone who does. Surprisingly, pork is considered unclean even by many Hindus who knock that off their grocery list just as they do with beef. Therefore unclean, pork eating Christians (or north eastern Indians) don't find easy accommodation in India. Then there're the Jains who don't believe in adding onions, garlic and some other tasty stuff to their food. And of course it goes without saying that they don't eat meat either. I once had this weird Jain wannabe roommate who subsist on large quantities of tomato chutney alone. Moving past religion, the Northern states tend to eat rotis with their main meal, while their Southern counterparts eat rice. Their Southern counterparts also eat dosa and idly, which is both unheard of and mocked at in the North. Yes, mocked at. People from the North are not comfortable eating 'Southie' food and wonder how anyone can. And people from the South wouldn't survive a day without curd rice.

7. Black, White, Yellow and Brown
Indians come in different colours. Here, black, white, yellow and brown are a reality and have to coexist even if they don't like the looks of the other. Black people, or dark skinned people, aren't favourably looked on. Hell, they don't even feel good about themselves. Hence the huge market for fairness creams (like the best selling Fair & Lovely). You see, black people are trying to become white. The white people are found in places like Kashmir (those lovely white skinned, brown haired and light eyed denizens who are the envy of the rest of India), many parts of North India and in several communities of the South (like the Muslims and Hindu Brahmins and Anglo Indians (oh ho, I forgot to talk about them, hang on a bit!)). These white people are what Bollywood portrays as 'beautiful' hence making the rest of us most unmarriageable (matrimonial ads ask for fair skinned women). Yellow people are from the North East. You know, the chinks. They don't look like the rest of India and aren't considered to be Indian and are frequently treated as Chinese and therefore ignored. They make for good supporting cast in the movies as Bruce Lee wannabes. And finally, the brown people make up the rest of India. They aren't called brown, however. Here, they are called wheatish complexioned. You can't go wrong if you describe yourself as wheatish complexioned. Shopkeepers will instantly know what shade of compact to sell to you. It doesn't matter if your colour is nothing like wheat.

8. Atavistic Peculiarities
Now, with all this discrimination lying around, god help you if your ancestors somewhere along the line did not marry/breed with an Indian. See, at this point, it doesn't matter if your ancestor mated outside the religion. What matters is which nationality he/she mated with. Hence we have the remnants of the British in the form of the Anglo Indians. Anglo Indians have been around thanks to the various colonial forces that have occupied India in the past. You have the Portuguese Indians who had Portuguese ancestors; you have the French Indians, who had French ancestors (I don't know any, but the French did rule India so they must have had some fun while they were here, right? Right.) and, last but not least, you have the Anglo Indians who had British or European ancestry. The Anglo Indians are considered to be India's bastard children. They command little or no respect, as it is usually assumed that they are the result of illegitimate affairs between British overlords and their Indian maidservants. This is not usually the case, but this is what any non Anglo Indian will tell you. In any case, the Anglo Indians, for their own part, have some of it coming to them as they don't consider themselves to be Indian. Though the present and one generation removed all have Indian passports, they make no attempt to learn any Indian language, perfecting instead their English mother tongue. They even have certain pronunciations for 'Indian' words that have been passed down like heirlooms, which they steadfastly cling on to. So, the Anglo Indians in Chennai love to have italies (idlies) with their tea and doll (dal) for lunch. Every Anglo Indian aspires to live in Australia or the UK and usually has a huge gang of relatives already living there. Anglo Indians are also the reason why call centres came to India.

Wow, if you made it this far, you must be as weary and depressed as I am. As you can see, surviving in India isn't easy. I guess that's what makes us thick skinned enough to bear all the discrimination we get from people outside India. It all starts at home.

Ye Dogs

The initial plan, when we first conceived of adopting more dogs, was to get Peanut a playmate. We felt guilty leaving him all by himself when we went off to work, and would clean up the chewed up bits of furniture and other items of import without complaint, knowing that his loneliness and frustration that were causing it all.

Enter Kanga (right in above picture). Before she came to be known as Kanga, she was just a little mongrel bitch that we'd noticed in the compound of our apartment complex. She seemed to have appeared out of nowhere, probably abandoned by some yuppie owner, and was mostly by herself and wagged her tail at anyone who passed by. During one of our nightly walks with Peanut, Amit decided that she was coming home with us. And there was born Peanut's new roommate. Finally, we thought, ends the DVD chewing and the paper ripping and the slipper chewing. Finally, Peanut will have someone to play with. Of course, you've probably already realised our joy was shortlived. The addition to the family appeared to give Peanut an accomplice in crime. For now, our furniture is chewed by not one, but two dogs. Twice the destruction to DVDs and other necessities of life (including lingerie) is now caused. And we now have to be bent at the task of housecleaning twice a day thanks to the puddles and poo piles left around by Kanga.

The best laid schemes of men can only be laid to waste by a dog he loves.