Thursday, July 31, 2014

Woo app (Bangalore): Online Hating for India

Online dating is never easy. For one thing, you have no idea if the person you're going to meet is going to be the next Unabomber or if they're the friendly neighbourhood pervert disguised as a guy your age. Online dating is really made even more difficult by the fact that some of the people running these online dating sites themselves are Indians.

Off late, I've been dabbling with the idea of having to settle for an online matchmaking site or choose to die alone. Dying alone is a better idea given the standard of service some of these matchmakers provide. I'm really referring to the one app that I've tried out so far: Woo, which is customised for mobile - Android and OS users. The app allows you to enroll yourself and 'verifies' your candidacy based on information in your Facebook or LinkedIn profile. It then displays this information to potential suitors and you can 'like' or 'reject' a match that the app makes for you based on shared interest or location. Since they have this verification process in place, it seemed harmless enough and it was available only in Bangalore for the time being, it seemed as though it was safe enough to try out. After rejecting several profiles and liking only a few, I finally found a 'match' made. A match is basically if both you and your 'suitor' have liked each other's profiles, to ease the risk of rejection and awkward encounters. Only if you a match is made, you can begin to chat with each other. So here I am, heart on sleeve, waiting for suitor no. 1 to make his move and I find curiously enough that there's no conversation for the first day. Undaunted, I went about my day, ignoring the app most pointedly and was excited to see a note from him on day 2. Basically the note went something like this:
Hi: I'm on the team that developed this app. I look forward to hearing your feedback on how the app works.

I was a little taken aback as to why the developer would make a match with me when there was a dedicated feedback button for the cause. I wrote to them on the playstore and the gist of what they had to say was this:
We assure you that there are plenty of interesting men out there on the app and of course some of them were the developers too (occupational hazard) but do give us another chance.
By then it was pretty apparent that the developers had developed this app for them to find dates for themselves. It's like Mark Zuckerberg inventing Facebook to put up pictures of his dog and not really giving a fig if the others on the site are benefitting from the experience the same way or not.

Therefore, after the entire disgusting experience of this app, I have decided to uninstall it and stay away from online dating, as I have for these many years. Woo is shortly planning to become a paid service and it's shocking that people have to be paid to be rejected by the app's developers as potential suitors. At least Zuckerberg kept it free so we can like his dog's pictures with glee any time.

Wednesday, July 30, 2014

Single and Sexually Active? Here's a song for you!

(Sung to the tune of the overplayed Happy song)

Bought a pack of Whisper yesterday
My nipples hurting, periods on the way
I was scared it wouldn't since my last date
Ovral L may never work as well as they say...

I got my period!
Clap along if you're glad that the sperm didn't fertilise
I got my period!
Clap along if you feel that birth control's a bunch of lies
I got my period!
Clap along if you know that a baby is a bad surprise - eh eh eh
Clap along if you're glad you're bleeding between your thighs

I felt a dribble in my underwear
I had to check to see if I'd peed in there
Bloody patch and I just don't care
I'm gassy as hell and feeling like a bear, that's fair:

I got my period!
Clap along if you're glad that the sperm didn't fertilise
I got my period!
Clap along if you feel that birth control's a bunch of lies
I got my period!
Clap along if you know that a baby is a bad surprise - eh eh eh
Clap along if you're glad you're bleeding between your thighs

Oh ok, it's a song only for women. Who don't want babies. Of menstrual age. Hey, if Weird Al Yankovich can do it, why not I?


Saturday, July 26, 2014

The Power

(Odd little tale I'd written a long time ago. Not very good but had to publish it here.)

 

He first knew he had the power when he was six. On the day Mother had slapped him so hard for coming home with a torn sleeve after having got into a fight with that no-good fatso, Donald. He was filled with bright red rage and he wished her dead. And died she had; the very next morning. He saw his dad's bafflement, when she wouldn't wake up even though he kept shaking her awake, turn to hysterical grief. That's when he knew what he was capable of. He tried not to get angry after that again.

Then two years later, the Power was summoned again. It happened at Aunt Rita's when he was having a shower and had forgotten to lock the bathroom door. Aunt Rita opened the door and was shocked for a while until she realised it was his naked body she was staring at. She stuttered an apology and hastily shut the door again. He felt his cheeks burn with anger and shame. Even though he was just eight, he never ever took off his clothes in front of anybody, not even to go swimming. She had seen him and he wished her dead. Three years later she died of a stroke. When his father told him about it, after the phone call came, he was consumed with guilt. It had been the Power again that did it; he knew it. There was no other way to explain it.

Now at eighteen, when he looked back, he felt he had lost the Power. So much happened around him that would fill him with a murderous rage. Atrocities in the name of war, hungry people dying outside his door while politicians in assembly houses cast votes on metro rail projects, people who would oil over those richer or more powerful than themselves but kick in the teeth those who were less fortunate. All these things would bring the red rage into him. But for some reason he had lost the Power forever. Perhaps that was a good thing.

Friday, July 18, 2014

The Temporary Companion

You sit besides each other for the shortest of times; depending on where you want to go. You give your copassenger a sideways glance and you note that he's probably doing the same to you. You debate between striking up a conversation or reading your book. You decide your cowardice is nudging you towards your book. A few pages later you drift off to sleep and wake up to find a sick kind of desperation in your fellow traveller. It's funny how the initiation of conversation is accelerated when it's a member of the opposite sex travelling unaccompanied. Two strangers with the same destination but going different ways; it is strange how entire lifetimes can be divulged in a couple of hours. Of course, you still check your purse to ensure everything's still there. But how much of yourself do you reveal? You try to draw out the other person more but you know you are already falling into the trap of temporary trust. After all, hasn't he told you everything about himself? Then comes the parting: To exchange numbers or no? Life isn't a fairytale; this man still cannot be trusted. You take his number and promise to give him a call. You move towards your exit. Already he has begun to fade out of your mind.

Tuesday, July 15, 2014

Anger Is.. World Cup Meme

It was easier to just change sides and cheer for Germany, in the end. 

Excel Mario

Or what I was working on instead of that report.

Anger Is... Maggi meme

Inspired by the Happiness Is meme series.

Monday, July 14, 2014

How Women Cause Rape: The Devolution of the Indian Society

Indians are in a constant state of devolution, thanks to the combined efforts of ruling politicians and the peoples' own questionable cultural values. Here are some important facts we'd like to highlight that have helped to ensure we remain in the early 1700s:
  • We believe that mobile phones cause rape: Women with mobile phones get prank calls from men who are seeking to lure them into secluded places and rape them. They also tend to use social networking apps like Whatsapp and Facebook that allow them to meet men who want to rape them under the pretext of befriending them. The only way to prevent such incidences is to ban the use of mobile phones by women. All women with a male member in their family will be assigned one mobile phone for the household; if they do not have a male person at home, they will have to make do with a BSNL landline connection. Incoming calls only.
  • We believe that condoms can lead to sex: You know that friend of yours who's been carrying around an unused condom in his wallet for the past seven years 'just in case' he gets lucky? Well, he's only the exception. Clearly, those rubber, artificially flavoured objects have a mind of their own that causes the owner to fornicate at will. Stay away from condoms, we say, your cultural values will save you from the evils of HIV, gonorrhoea and unplanned pregnancy when you next visit your regular hooker.
  • We believe that single women attract trouble: Women living alone, women walking alone, women travelling by themselves - all of these women are attracting rapists, molesters and riff raff. Why should women walk alone? The next time you see such a lady, force her to tie a rakhi onto the wrist of the nearest man (even if he is a pickpocket or road romeo) so that he can safely escort her to her destination. As for women living alone, just don't bother renting out homes to them. Our network of Brahmin home owners is already ensuring that doesn't happen in most of South India.
  • Skimpy clothes can cause rape: Women seem to feel hot during summer like men (strange but true) and tend to wear shorter clothes. They also try to wear sleeveless garments and short skirts during what they call a night out. Thanks to this behaviour on their part, innocent men are lead astray and forced to rape them or shout phrases at them that admire various parts of their body. In order to not let our men of repute go astray, it is imperative to ensure that women are always fully clothed and not allowed to leave the house. We really admire the Taliban, even though we say we are against them.
At the end of the day, it becomes more and more obvious that it is women - and not, indeed their male perpetrators - who are the cause of all cases of sexual violence directed against said women. The simplest solution would be to strangle them at birth, deny them an education and keep them at home as unpaid servants, just as we've been doing all along.

Image courtesy: ThePeoplesCube.com


Friday, July 11, 2014

Why you should have been born with a penis

My family, like any other Indian family, worships all males. If you are a man, you are automatically given rights and privileges that no other women in your family can ever be entitled to, even if they ‘earned’ it through lifelong servitude and the upholding of family values.

Take for example, my grandparents, who in their infinite wisdom, left their property to their two sons and nothing to their five daughters. One of these daughters was unfortunate enough to have her husband abandon her and spent the rest of her life caring for her aging parents, right up until their death, and subsequently caring for her brother’s children after his wife passed away through cancer. Up until her death, she did everything she could for her family, even when it meant selling what little gold she had for upkeep and repairs of the house as her brother was vague at best about the world around him. Even when it meant stepping in and getting a suitable bride arranged for the brother’s son since he was incapable of finding one for himself. She did all of this and was not left so much as a pai; the property continued to remain in my father’s and my father’s brother’s names alone.

Now, the lucky beneficiary of all this ancestral ‘wealth’ is, of course, my penis wielding cousin brother. The son of my father’s brother, since my father had only two daughters (what to do, those bloody elusive Y chromosomes, you know), is now entitled to all of the property and can continue to make babies as all his financial needs are met by the family. So what if this male cousin of mine refused to get an education and decided not to go to college? So what if he has no ambition and was content to sit at home until he was absolutely forced by my aunt to go out and earn a living? So what if he lost all his jobs through sheer irresponsibility and is now working as a security guard in a mall, because he feels it’s the easiest job in the world and pays ok? All of that is fine, because at the end of the day, my dad, the wealthy NRI uncle, has decided to give him a share in the property and to share proceedings of rental property with him and also to pay for the education of this cousin’s daughter.

Therefore, while I slog here for every rupee; while I carefully watch where I’m spending so as to save at least a little for the next month and year; while I made it on my own, first living alone, getting promoted, buying my own car, all by myself and ensuring that my family’s expenses were met when they came to visit me, all I have to do to realise my true self worth is to look down at my pants and see that I have no penis or testicles dangling in them.

Picture courtesy: AtheistMemeBase.com