Friday, July 18, 2014

The Temporary Companion

You sit besides each other for the shortest of times; depending on where you want to go. You give your copassenger a sideways glance and you note that he's probably doing the same to you. You debate between striking up a conversation or reading your book. You decide your cowardice is nudging you towards your book. A few pages later you drift off to sleep and wake up to find a sick kind of desperation in your fellow traveller. It's funny how the initiation of conversation is accelerated when it's a member of the opposite sex travelling unaccompanied. Two strangers with the same destination but going different ways; it is strange how entire lifetimes can be divulged in a couple of hours. Of course, you still check your purse to ensure everything's still there. But how much of yourself do you reveal? You try to draw out the other person more but you know you are already falling into the trap of temporary trust. After all, hasn't he told you everything about himself? Then comes the parting: To exchange numbers or no? Life isn't a fairytale; this man still cannot be trusted. You take his number and promise to give him a call. You move towards your exit. Already he has begun to fade out of your mind.

Tuesday, July 15, 2014

Anger Is.. World Cup Meme

It was easier to just change sides and cheer for Germany, in the end. 

Excel Mario

Or what I was working on instead of that report.

Anger Is... Maggi meme

Inspired by the Happiness Is meme series.

Monday, July 14, 2014

How Women Cause Rape: The Devolution of the Indian Society

Indians are in a constant state of devolution, thanks to the combined efforts of ruling politicians and the peoples' own questionable cultural values. Here are some important facts we'd like to highlight that have helped to ensure we remain in the early 1700s:
  • We believe that mobile phones cause rape: Women with mobile phones get prank calls from men who are seeking to lure them into secluded places and rape them. They also tend to use social networking apps like Whatsapp and Facebook that allow them to meet men who want to rape them under the pretext of befriending them. The only way to prevent such incidences is to ban the use of mobile phones by women. All women with a male member in their family will be assigned one mobile phone for the household; if they do not have a male person at home, they will have to make do with a BSNL landline connection. Incoming calls only.
  • We believe that condoms can lead to sex: You know that friend of yours who's been carrying around an unused condom in his wallet for the past seven years 'just in case' he gets lucky? Well, he's only the exception. Clearly, those rubber, artificially flavoured objects have a mind of their own that causes the owner to fornicate at will. Stay away from condoms, we say, your cultural values will save you from the evils of HIV, gonorrhoea and unplanned pregnancy when you next visit your regular hooker.
  • We believe that single women attract trouble: Women living alone, women walking alone, women travelling by themselves - all of these women are attracting rapists, molesters and riff raff. Why should women walk alone? The next time you see such a lady, force her to tie a rakhi onto the wrist of the nearest man (even if he is a pickpocket or road romeo) so that he can safely escort her to her destination. As for women living alone, just don't bother renting out homes to them. Our network of Brahmin home owners is already ensuring that doesn't happen in most of South India.
  • Skimpy clothes can cause rape: Women seem to feel hot during summer like men (strange but true) and tend to wear shorter clothes. They also try to wear sleeveless garments and short skirts during what they call a night out. Thanks to this behaviour on their part, innocent men are lead astray and forced to rape them or shout phrases at them that admire various parts of their body. In order to not let our men of repute go astray, it is imperative to ensure that women are always fully clothed and not allowed to leave the house. We really admire the Taliban, even though we say we are against them.
At the end of the day, it becomes more and more obvious that it is women - and not, indeed their male perpetrators - who are the cause of all cases of sexual violence directed against said women. The simplest solution would be to strangle them at birth, deny them an education and keep them at home as unpaid servants, just as we've been doing all along.

Image courtesy:

Friday, July 11, 2014

Why you should have been born with a penis

My family, like any other Indian family, worships all males. If you are a man, you are automatically given rights and privileges that no other women in your family can ever be entitled to, even if they ‘earned’ it through lifelong servitude and the upholding of family values.

Take for example, my grandparents, who in their infinite wisdom, left their property to their two sons and nothing to their five daughters. One of these daughters was unfortunate enough to have her husband abandon her and spent the rest of her life caring for her aging parents, right up until their death, and subsequently caring for her brother’s children after his wife passed away through cancer. Up until her death, she did everything she could for her family, even when it meant selling what little gold she had for upkeep and repairs of the house as her brother was vague at best about the world around him. Even when it meant stepping in and getting a suitable bride arranged for the brother’s son since he was incapable of finding one for himself. She did all of this and was not left so much as a pai; the property continued to remain in my father’s and my father’s brother’s names alone.

Now, the lucky beneficiary of all this ancestral ‘wealth’ is, of course, my penis wielding cousin brother. The son of my father’s brother, since my father had only two daughters (what to do, those bloody elusive Y chromosomes, you know), is now entitled to all of the property and can continue to make babies as all his financial needs are met by the family. So what if this male cousin of mine refused to get an education and decided not to go to college? So what if he has no ambition and was content to sit at home until he was absolutely forced by my aunt to go out and earn a living? So what if he lost all his jobs through sheer irresponsibility and is now working as a security guard in a mall, because he feels it’s the easiest job in the world and pays ok? All of that is fine, because at the end of the day, my dad, the wealthy NRI uncle, has decided to give him a share in the property and to share proceedings of rental property with him and also to pay for the education of this cousin’s daughter.

Therefore, while I slog here for every rupee; while I carefully watch where I’m spending so as to save at least a little for the next month and year; while I made it on my own, first living alone, getting promoted, buying my own car, all by myself and ensuring that my family’s expenses were met when they came to visit me, all I have to do to realise my true self worth is to look down at my pants and see that I have no penis or testicles dangling in them.

Picture courtesy: 

Tuesday, July 01, 2014

My Typical Work Day

From Hanging in There

On days I feel sorry for my client (rarely), I try to get some more actual work done. Hey, they still got my soul, right?

Monday, June 30, 2014

Too Sexy for your Education

Just when you thought India was making some envious strides in the field of HIV control and even, to a lesser extent, population control measures, comes our new government to remind us that we are not a sexy nation.

Our honourable health minister, who is a doctor himself, has decided that culture is enough to prevent all and any cases of accidental sex. (
He also insists that sex education will only serve to mislead youth and what we really need is yoga lessons. Because obviously, fitter is better than pregnant. Right.

The amusing arguments that ensue in favour of this minister's remarks maintain that social values need to be imparted before spreading basic awareness about what your sexual organs are for. What gets my goat is not this minister's ignorant remarks. It's not the first time our culture has been thrust in our faces by politicians who claim our values are being eroded by loose Western morals. What really bothers me is that this is the government which won overwhelming support by several educated youth of India. In their haste to declare Modi as their god and leader, these youth are backing every inane decision this government takes and is sure to store away several key arguments and insults they can use on opponents. What is the message this government is conveying to this youth? The only development this government seems to want to offer is for the capitalists and Hindu radicals, rather than any directed at holistic development of our nation.

We live in dangerous times.

Wednesday, June 11, 2014

Why Men Hit Women

It's so much fun to hit a woman
Finally she stops her screaming
And lies there in a quiet daze
No more does her voice echo
In my drunken mind.
As the bruise begins to form
She quietly picks herself up from the ground
Now she won't dare to even meet my eye
As now she fears for her life.
I love how after being beaten
She crawls into bed without a word
Her independent spirit crushed like her dreams
And she'll lay there the whole day through.
I highly recommend a regular dose of hitting your woman
Even if you pretend to be a man of the times
And embrace all the liberal ideologies
Keep her and her tongue in their place.
You don't want her getting out of hand.

Image courtesy: The Abused Goddesses Campaign by Pranav Bhide